#BlogElul Be

If I sometimes have trouble finding the motivation to do (see earlier post), I have to admit that I often have more of a challenge just being.

One of the first questions that we're asked as children (aside from "How old are you?" (26), "What grade are you in ?" (I'm 26, but thanks for thinking I'm still in high school!) and "Do you want ice cream?" (Obviously.) is "What do you want to BE when you grow up?"

As I said to Lauren the other day, hahahano. This question is--no joke--one of the most difficult for us to answer as...often, others have a say in what we get to be when we grow up. If we grow up. If we choose to grow up.

The only answer that I was able to tell people about what I wanted to do was to be able to go home at the end of the day, on my worst day when everything broke down and life was insane and the puppy was barking and still know that I did something good at the end of the day. That's the type of person that I want to be. Someone that can be satisfied with that feeling.

I spend a lot of time trying to be comfortable. Trying to be comfortable physically, with running, with yoga, with attempting to walk a little bit further than I normally would. Trying to be comfortable socially, with new  friends in Eugene, with new friends/colleagues at Hillel Institute, with new opportunities in the area. Trying to be comfortable mentally/academically, with textbooks, with lack of sleep, with educating myself in as many ways as possible. Trying to be comfortable spiritually, with creating my own Reform community, with "hosting" Shabbat (versus attending it), and with figuring what role I want to play in the Jewish community.

I'm never going to be completely comfortable, but I am working really hard to become the person that (right now) I'd like to be. Taking time to work things out, think things through, or just foregoing all of it and embracing the opportunity in hand, all of these memories are allowing me to become that person. To grow, to change, and to be.

I'm not sure I'll ever be (or choose to be) completely "grown up," but I know that I want to be a person who's not afraid to keep growing that direction. And for now, I'm pretty happy with that direction--and I'm pretty sure that sometimes it is okay, just to be...and not to finish the sentence.