Saturday, April 18, 2015

#BlogBOmer: Yesod B'Gevurah

It's not that I haven't wanted to write my blog post all day (in fact I probably had some time in the morning where I may have been able to fit it in), but I've been struggling with the idea and the level of honesty that I feel comfortable in hitting these topics--gevurah (discipline/restraint) is a challenge in itself for me: saying no, watching my weight, watching my words, filtering my thoughts.

Yesod is about bonding, about finding a foundation within this concept of discipline. And all I can think about are diets, fasting, working out, and personal struggles. Obviously this particular combination on this day is a major place for growth for me--it's appropriate that it comes on the 13th day (the Bar/Bat Mitzvah Day!) of the Omer--as I explore this process in ways to find people who inspire me through their actions, to give me a chance to aspire to be better in areas where I don't thrive.

And who should I dedicate this blog to? My family--who support me in everything, but worry about my health? My friends who have asked (or politely not asked) about every gain or loss in exercise or health? My personal trainers from the past--or group exercise instructors? It's a struggle--but for now, I'm going to dedicate this one to me.

Me at age 17; happy-ish and rocking the bandanna!

I have always hated having my picture taken. Always. Thin or not thin, it's been something I've avoided more often than not (you can ask anyone, I'm usually the one behind the camera...or behind the one using the camera!). Bonding moments that were captured on film and saved in people's memories were lost to me due to my hatred of how I looked on camera. As someone who has always struggled on and off with my weight (for the last 8 years, definitely ON), even now I need to be really pushed to be put in front of the camera. My discipline gives way to what I consider priorities: getting my work done, being on the phone with friends, attempting (!) to get enough sleep. Meals might get skipped during the day, but often I make up for it with chips or junk food (or too much food!) by the end of the day. 

Tonight, I saw myself in a picture taken by my job at an event that I was at. I am in NO WAY the focus of the picture. But I'm in it. Can you see me?

Me tonight at age 28--can you see me?

In case you couldn't see me, I'm the one all the way to the left. I couldn't believe it. Is that what I looked like? Through trying to dress well for my size, I often forget how much weight that I know I need to lose in order to be healthy. But was that really me in the picture? Had I really lost that much discipline in taking care of myself? (The answer, in short, is YES). But how can I utilize bonding (yesod) to get it back? By talking about healthy habits (did I mention I've taken up yoga again?). By utilizing support groups. By taking small steps to get myself back in order (working up to larger steps as I feel up to it). Those who support me will do so through successes AND setbacks--the point is to be honest about both.
I understand that this blog is a bit more open and honest than most. I'm not asking for open support or comments. I just felt like this is an area that needs a lot of work--and thought that maybe a post like this might be inspiration for someone else to think about which sefirot combination you most want to work on.

Thanks for reading. ~AKW

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