I Need the Trees, But Love The Forest...

A note: There will not be so many pictures of me on this one--[read: there will be no pictures of me on this post], but that's only because it's been a whirlwind of a second week in the Holy Land.

It's hard to believe that it's been a full two weeks of adventures; it seems every day flies by and before I realize it, I'm getting up for the next one. From Monday through this past Saturday, we had what was lovingly referred to as HUC's "disorientation week," a time to understand HUC's expectations, learn about our fellow classmates, and start to slowly find our way around campus and each other.

On Tuesday, we took our Hebrew placement exam, and then set about the very important business of getting to hang out with each other (which was lovely). Working with a menschlekeit periodic table, we broke into small groups and picked two of the elements that we most identified with:

Check it out at: http://jewishcamp.org/making-mensches/

I chose gratitude (הכרת הטוב) because I've been working to see the positives in every situation (be it blister, aching joints, lack of sleep, or the incredible ability I've honed to consistently walk in the wrong direction). Pirkei Avot 4:1 asks many questions, one of which includes "Who is rich? Those who rejoice in their own portion." I endeavor to do that this year, forever grateful for the time, experience, friends, lessons, and support I'll garner over this year and the next four. I also chose perseverance & grit (נצח) because for every misstep, mistake, or misdirection I've experienced over the years, it's been my resilience, rationale, and relationships that have helped get me to where I am today. There are so many bright and resilient people in this program, and I am sure that my drive is going to help me keep up with the group during this year. After a few more sessions on diversity and cohort covenants, I had a quick dinner break and then headed to the LA Reception at the President's Residence (super swanky!) with thirteen other first year students who will be heading to the Los Angeles campus for the next four years.

A special note: Tuesday was also the night that we said goodbye to the Havilio family. I want to thank Shmulik, Tamar, Nadav, Tal, Noam, and Charlie for taking such good care of us during our first week on the ground in Israel including many playground visits, Disney viewings, and snacks for days...we were really so incredibly lucky to start off our adventure with you and I am so very grateful for your good cheer, patience, and generosity.

Disorientation Days #2 and #3 saw us learning from the Dean of the Jerusalem campus about the type of home that we hope to create for ourselves in this program, learning about security protocols (you know, because Israel...jk, we've been totally safe here), hearing about the 5 year curriculum and YII program, and saw me joining in a traditional mincha service in an attempt to get a full minyan. Making it through Day #3 without much sleep was a challenge as it included morning T'filah (hello 8:30 services), walking around Rehavia on Azza street (and having limonana at Yehoshua Cafe with Karry, Jonathan, Emily, and Alissa!), and then CRASHING until Julia (thank youuuu) woke me up for our trip to our back yard with some other fun and friendly classmates (what's up Gabi, Rachel, Jonathan, and Daniel!) who enjoyed the hospitality of Iris and her husband Yoav as they welcomed us with cold drinks and homemade cake and talks about politics, the Kotel, and Israeli society/elections. Julia and I must have been very disoriented because we walked to the wrong Marzipan for the night out, jumped in a Gett, and headed to the shuk. Dinner at the Bar Grill (Grill Bar?) with Leah, Julia, and Sammy proved to be EXCELLENT (as was our decision to taxi it home instead of walking another 2.5 kilometers).

Friday morning saw me up at 5:00 am as Julia and I prepped to join our HUC friends and fellow women at the Women of the Wall Rosh Chodesh Av service at the Kotel. I had been afraid for days of the event, but really wanted to face the fear and see what it was all about. Well friends, sensory overload doesn't even BEGIN to describe it! The amount of screaming, whistle blowing, Hebrew yelling, and goings-on was tricky for me. As I prayed, I found myself vacillating between smiles (I loved the harmony, the singing, the three banot mitzvah and the bad-ass savta that was standing on a chair behind me) and close to tears (I struggled with the claustrophobia, the sensory overload, and the unease of the anger that surrounded me). I was proud to be there. I was scared to be there. I was happy to support my friends and these women. I was sad to be the cause of such anger. I was understanding of how and why the conflict was taking place. I could not understand why small boys came chasing after us, blocking our path, screaming, spitting, and strongly condemning us for clothing choices. While I got nothing more than spat on (others in other places faced violence), I found it ludicrous: this ten year old was calling me a denier of the religion, yelling at me for wearing a kippah (I wasn't...I just was too tall and he couldn't tell and then when he realized I wasn't wearing one, he yelled at me that I should yell at the women who were), blocking my exit from the space. If they didn't want us there, then why keep us blocked in? There is picture proof that I was there in a few places, but I'm not entirely sure where yet. Will post at another time (maybe, no promises).

Shabbat was lovely with text study about the passage of time and the process of the journey, Kabbalat Shabbat services outside, a great community dinner and z'mirot and the ability to do incredibly little besides unpack and do laundry on Saturday. Saturday night included some schmoozing and Havdalah and a thankfully merciful ride home from Nancy! (SHOUT OUT TO NANCY!) :-)

So that brings me to these past two days which were the first real days of class as a rabbinical student. Did I mention that somehow I got put in the highest level of Hebrew? No? Oh, weird. Don't worry friends, haven't failed out yet. The title of this blog post comes from an article that we read about a psychological study on learning how to learn. They say that some students can only see the trees but miss the forest, and others enjoy the forest, but can't see the trees. I explained today that I find myself a blend of two types of student (organized and intuitive) who needs the trees, but loves the forest...I need the color-coding, the charts, the conversations to gain understanding of the material, but I love the creative process of making connections and finding new ways to grow. Other classes include (but are not limited to) Torah Cantillation, Parashat Hashavua, and (inherently) service-leading. Got bumped to an advanced history class to take in the fall.

One day at a time, one hour at a time, one moment at a time...breathing it all in and making sure to keep hold of the memories.

See you next Monday!

We All Start At Kitah Aleph...

R. Albert Einstein said: "There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."

Approximately a week ago (give or take some hours), I sat at the airport, waiting for five hours at Newark until my flight to TLV--having said my goodbyes to the family the day before (and having spoken with my mom at least five times throughout the day. Sitting at an airport restaurant and enjoying the company of strangers-turned-friends, time sped up before I inevitably was sitting in the exit row, questioning the sanity of this decision as my fellow passengers boarded.

Some on and off sleep, creative work, a Pitch Perfect 3 and a Ladybird later, I arrived in Tel Aviv, having lost most of Tuesday and upon landing, requestioned the sanity of this decision as I struggled with switching out my American SIM to my Golan SIM (it's not entirely as easy as one might think!). I learned how to take out a luggage cart (yep, never did it before!), loaded up on a sheirut with a driver who, for the first time in my history, did not take a shining to me and my American ways, and headed off to my new home in Old Katamon. The adventure had officially begun and I was welcomed with a warm embrace and huge smile by the Havilio family (my love, gratitude, and thanks for the park adventures and Israeli shortcuts to Tamar, Shmulik, Nadav, Tal, Noam, and Charlie!). Welcoming Julia (hi Julia!) into the house a few hours later made the experience more complete--with us being adopted into the Havilio family for the final week before their departure to the states. Every morning and evening have been filled with great conversation, fruit, chocolate, wine, Disney movies, or running around with our fun young friends.

Taking on an attempt at trying new things and getting myself out there, I found Wednesday filled with TWO walks in the park, a trip to HUC-JIR to say hello to our friendly interns, and a walk to the Shalom Hartman Institute, where I was able to learn from Rabbi Chaim Seidler-Feller about the topics of excess and sustainability in the Torah --When are we able to take exactly what we need and no more? When are things just enough that there should be no room for complaint?--followed by a lovely dinner out with two fantastic classmates (shout-outs to Jessica and Ashley!). By the end of the day, I found that I had walked 6.82 miles (don't worry, Thursday was a crazier amoutn).


Did you know that if you walk a mile here, a mile and a half there, and keep on doing that, you'll inevitably walk more than 10 miles? Whoops. Headed to HUC on Thursday for our tour (whatup ZOE!) and some friendly welcomes from Nancy Lewitt (she will ensure my survival in this country!) and then headed out for lunch with two new friends/classmates (thanks George and Sammy!). An adventure to seek a yoga mat didn't work out so well, but I ended up having an excellent evening out with my HUC classmates at the Jerusalem Lights Festival.


Friday, I decided on quite a few adventures. Julia and I walked about two miles to FINALLY get my yoga mat from MegaSport. I also decided to go on a trip to Khan Al Ahmar, a Bedouin village which is near K'far Adumim, a place that is being threatened to be torn down by the Israeli governments for reasons that I'm still not sure I entirely understand. I could tell you that I have a side, but that wasn't the point of my trip--I went, as I claimed on the bus in my introduction, to learn. I find that territories and Israel's relationships to them are things that I know extremely little about--but it's imperative that I have an understanding, especially if expectations are that I WILL have an understanding and more public position on Israel in the future. I went because I thought it would be difficult; I thought that it would challenge my thinking. It did. Walking around the village, I struggle to understand why it needs to be torn down. I question if there's not enough land for these people (who aren't attacking or causing harm) to stay. I wonder why they aren't granted protections, water, etc when there are soldiers there. Heading to Silwan to meet a family afterward, I wondered how it's possible that there can be such different perspectives on similar places, histories, locations. It was an introductory course in experiential education about the city, its significance, power, and "finding comfort in the uncomfortable."

Shabbat was an experience (a welcome one after a difficult day) at the Tachanah Rishonah (First Station) with many members of my class, and many other friends from the past that I got to run into. Having 100-200 people there celebrating the evening with musical instruments, line dancing, and a smile on my face. Heading home afterwards, I decided to take some breathing time in order to hurt a little less (hey, don't judge--over twenty miles of walking in three days is a killer on the hips!), and crashed a bit early. Saturday, Alumni Shabbat at HUC-JIR allowed me to enjoy in a day of prayer and study and free lunch and networking with rabbis, cantors, and educators, and I learned about rhapsod--rafts, rhapsodies, and the reality of moving inward as a Jewish community or extending outward to welcome others in (and the difficulties that lie within both). The rest of the afternoon/evening was a relaxing one and involved an official Havilio House Tour and a fun trip to the park with Nadav, Tal, and Noam!

Yesterday, I put myself in time out to get some work done and to prep for the week, but today, MONDAY, was our first real day of orientation! Getting to explore Israel a bit, heading to Aroma (icedddddddd choco for dayyyyys) and then hanging on campus was a fun time. Listening to the words of our YII leaders and our new provost, eating dinner together in the Persian Garden on campus, and then singing nigguns and passing a Torah around as a class in a special ceremony was a bit mindblowing. Last night, when I was speaking with Cantor Tamar Havilio (my for a week house mom and landlord), she reminded me that "We all start at Kitah Aleph" at one point in our lives...there is always an area in which we need to start learning, where we build our foundations (to be strengthened in the future), when we embrace the newness. I believe in this adventure there will be so many times where I'll feel like I'm back at Kitah Aleph--challenges that I will embrace, friendships that will be priceless, beauties that I'll uncover, gratitudes that I'll revisit daily. All of this is new--and so no matter what, I will find myself at Kitah Aleph, and eagerly await and enjoy every adventurous opportunity that comes my way.

R. Stephen Sondheim said, "I insist on miracles, if you do them, miracles, nothing to them! I say don't...don't be afraid!"

Yet....R. Barbra Streisand sang it better. :-)

Til next time fam!

#THISYearinJerusalem

Why Failing Forward is Just Fine

On this Lag B'Omer (the only #BlogBOmer piece I've done since last year), I've been doing a lot of thinking about my past, my present, and my future.

For someone lacking a sense of direction, clear signs are a must.

It's possible that this is in the forefront of my mind as our students are approaching finals, approaching graduation, approaching new jobs, life decisions, destinations--that we are often raised to believe that failure isn't a positive. When you see a red "F" on a transcript, your eyes might water. With every job rejection, you might shake, afraid of what's next. With any action you take, there's an element of risk--and that risk equally includes failure. 

Before I even got to college, I was a maven at making mistakes, a first place finisher at failing forward. Kicked out of camp at twelve, struggling with weight and relationships and self-esteem through high school, aiming to find my place in the world through stubborn viewpoints, harmless (?) flirtations, and countless wrong steps. My father, in his wisdom of knowing my lack of direction awaited the day when I would call him up and say "Dad, I'm lost! Help me." "Where are you?" "I don't know...didn't you hear me say I was lost?"

This is...relatively accurate. If I knew how to read a map. Should learn that skill.

I have countless "Dad" stories; parables of Jewish proportions of my having done something wrong (or perceived as wrong) and in a moment of conversation with my father, he says exactly the meaningful phrase that helps propel me to the next risk, action, or turn. When in college, I had found that despite my wish to help heal the children of the world through pediatrics, I lacked the capacity to handle math and science, I called my father crying. "I can't do this. It's impossible."

My father, to his credit, was patient (to my credit, he never wanted me to be premed in the first place). He said to me, "Amanda Katherine, you can practice your whole life to run a mile in a minute. Every day you can run a little faster, make your time a little better. But you, you are never going to run a mile in a minute. There are just some things that you can't do. This is just one thing that you can't do. It's all right." I graduated college with a 2.76 GPA, double majoring in Psychology and Judaic Studies, two fields which have done wonders for me in the work I do today.

Post-graduation, I failed. I lost jobs, lost money, lost my sanity in attempting to keep myself moving forward. With each job rejection, fight with my boyfriend at the time, decision poorly made, I kept learning. Attempt to make the right choices, not the easy ones. You can speak your mind while hearing out someone else. Try something, you might like it and see where it goes. It's okay to take the risk. I got accepted into graduate programs, took on leadership roles, found my voice in whispers, questions, and then as time continued, one strong statement at a time.  I continued to fail forward. I continued to learn from every error and aimed to help those going through similar paths learn from my mistakes as they made their own. 

Once hired, don't you worry...I continued to fail forward. I was lucky to have mentors and advocate both local and abroad--to have opportunities and trust and feedback and any number of students, staff, board members, faculty, and friends to let me know when I shouldn't have made that joke, taken that chance, or made that decision. I failed forward for four years and learned every day that this was in fact the best way to fail, to make a mistake, learn from it, move a few steps forward and put my hands out again in the chance of grabbing something great. In doing that, I was given new adventures, relationships, friendships, and a lifetime of memories fitting into the span of an election cycle. When I left Oregon for my newest adventure, I was ready for more failures--and for more friendships, family, and fun. 

My first decision out of Oregon was to go cross-country with the Dad and
this best friend (the Doof) who is all about failing, falling, and flopping forward.

We talk a lot in my field about how engagement is about meeting people where they are. What happens when where YOU are is in a constant state of motion, taking tentative steps towards an undisclosed location? You take the risk that you might fall. If you're lucky, you have a safety net. If not, you have the options to make sure the ground isn't too hard when you hit it and bring some extra padding for the next time. But in failing, you have learned something that you can't learn from constant bouts of success--you learn that everything worth having takes extraordinary effort. You learn that you are NOT alone. 

On a day that celebrates humility squared (thanks Kabbalists!) on a day that's supposed to be a celebration, this 33rd day of the Omer (Lag B'Omer), I can't say that I am not humbled by the many poor choices that I have made throughout my life. But I am also so proud of the many times that I've failed--because without them, I would never have ended up here. Failure may not be flattering (thanks New Found Glory!), but failing forward is just fine. 

Happy Lag B'Omer to all my friendly forward-facing failings out there!
AKW

#BlogElul Day 4: Understand (A Day Late)

Maturity is owning that sometimes it won't all get done,
but acknowledging that it still needs to happen.

I missed this blog last night for a few reasons. First, because I got home super late after an experience that speaks to "understanding" at a deeper level. Second, because I completely forgot about it. Not for the entirety of the day (I had actually planned to write a post yesterday as soon as I got home from the play, but after hours of data entry, blogging seemed like not the world's best use of time. So I admit it: it's a day late, but the intention is still there...and the reflection may be better after 24 hours. 

Yesterday I watched a one-man play called Wrestling Jerusalem, a show that displayed seventeen diverse perspectives of the conflict in the Middle East. Was every single perspective displayed? No. Were all of the audience members enthralled? No. But I was struck with a new level of understanding from a few things that happened yesterday evening. 

I attempt to come to most conversations/experiences/interactions from a place of understanding; a challenge when you're aiming to build relationships/learn a new place. I saw a wealth of understanding hit our students and staff last night (at least one perspective usually struck a chord), but it was the interactions with the students and staff themselves that pushed my own levels of understanding. 

Whether it was a conversation about architecture and alumni near a doorway, questions about directions, propsals, or genetic testing on car rides, hearing about future plans for international travel, or being questioned about my own motivations, aspirations, and understandings of the campus, I have begun to slowly understand my surroundings. 

This is where I work! :-)

It seems to me that the best way to increase our understanding is to open ourselves up to the conversation...to process and understand that our different perspectives may lead to differing realities, and that the bridge to that comes from the dialogues we share and the experiences we discuss together. All in all? A good evening. 

#BlogElul Day 3: Search

Without intending to, I've been searching all day for a topic to speak to me with regards to "searching" during Elul. The first thing that came to mind was this of course:

I find myself, often searching for a few things--most of all, time. I always feel like there are never enough hours in the day; that often I'm running around from one activity to the next, planning, scheduling, data entrying, meetings, so much so that I'm always thinking of the next time I get to breathe.

This is my third quiet moment of the day!

Sometimes it's searching for the time to "make time"--today I went from meeting to lunch to conversation and found myself with approximately an hour and fifteen minutes before my next meeting. Realizing that my walking back to the office would let me have thirty minutes there before my next meeting, I decided to walk to campus early and sit outside on a patio overlooking Ithaca. While I'm slightly sunburnt, the quiet time and time away from my computer helped me recharge--I looked at my planner, closed my eyes, listened to nearby piano playing, enjoyed the sun. By the time my next meeting came around, I was ready, enthusiastic, and excited.

I find myself searching for challenges--to push myself out of my comfort zones, ask questions, and try to figure out the things that I don't understand (and at times, face my fears). Don't get me wrong, I'm not about to seek out mice or anything --I'm not crazy--but I do attempt to not let fear get in the way of me doing things. I seek out opportunities to build relationships, to get lost on campus, to use different parts of my brain so that I don't get too worn out.

This isn't mine...but it's pretty cool.

I'm most likely searching for things on a daily basis, and only half of the time conscious of what I'm actually looking for. Like U2, I still haven't found what I'm looking for, but sometimes when you stop looking for something, it comes to you out of nowhere.

#BlogElul Day 2: Act

Shakespeare was good enough for my cover letter, and good enough to top this post!

It's interesting that I write about "action" on a day that I have purposely chosen to remain "lazy," if you consider bringing my inbox down to "Inbox Manageable" and catching up on scheduling/organization "lazy." In short, after a week or so of straight work, I made a promise to myself not to leave my property--and also to take care of business.

Above, the picture talks about acting many parts and I find that to be true in almost everyone's life, certainly in mine. I am a daughter, a sister, an Ellie-owner, a Jewish professional, a friend, a foil, an advocate, an opponent, a strategic thinker, a dissonant organizer, an artist, a traveler, a mentor, a mentee...[insert role here] and I may have played it (or dreamed of playing it). In some cases, some people believe that "acting" a part may help you eventually get there in the future:

I will NEVER be able to fake such impressive eyeliner skills

I believe that if you understand the motivation behind things, the "whys" (as I talked about in yesterday's preparation blog), the actions come naturally. You DO things because you understand the reason that they all need to get done. You prioritize. You prepare. You choose. But inevitably you need to take the first step to getting things accomplished. For me, it's about feeling organized. I use a written planner (passionplanner.com) which I take everywhere. As an Assistant Director, I find myself using two calendars ('sup Outlook), AND if I don't write it down in my written planner, things just don't get done. I NEED TO WRITE IT DOWN. That's my first step. Writing it somewhere and then making a plan to get things done--sometimes in stages, in steps, in half an hour Friends shows if you will, but either way I find myself getting things accomplished. I choose to act, and somehow life becomes more manageable because I've taken control.

I often feel stuck by "analysis paralysis," that things need to be done in a perfect way before I can submit them. If it's not right, I avoid it like the plague. AND SO IT IS WITH EMAILS. I get approximately 100 emails in a 24 hour basis (often more and 90% of which isn't automatically deletable). Today in my "lazy day" which included laundry, remaking the guest room bed, getting trash out, I, as I mentioned above, decided to take the 300+ emails in my inbox and aim not for "Inbox Zero" (this is a dream), but for "Inbox Manageable." In doing so, I emailed tons of Jewish student leaders, organized data, got the word out, made plans, got advice, checked in with friends, and got "organized" or prepared to act for the week ahead. Things weren't perfect with the plans before I sent emails, but the emails still needed to be sent; by taking one step at a time, by choosing to act in increments, the action was so much more worthwhile both on a personal and professional level.

TL, DR of the paragraph above!

Even this blog is a conscious decision to act. Each word, sentence, image, and joke are "carefully" crafted in an attempt to express and focus myself towards more intention. You see, "fake it til you make it" still has an underlying intention--the idea is that you'll get there...eventually. But with my approach of acting step by TV show by second if need be...I can see the finish line as it gets closer, it's not so intangible.

Day 2: Intentional Action and Blog Written? CHECK.

#BlogElul Day 1: Prepare

I don't always do well with the daily blogging; in fact, much of the time I start off with good intentions, but get weighed down by job/personal/physical/Ellie-face demands...

How can you ignore that face???

When I realized it was Elul on Saturday night, I was determined somewhat to double down and treat this month with slightly more intention than I normally have in the past. I may not blog every day (I mean, I'll try...but don't get your hopes up!). 

Today's theme is Prepare. I feel like with this move, I've spent much of the past few months preparing: to find staff, onboard them, work with a great H.O.T. on Orientation, create staff meeting agendas, find ways to not get lost, head to police stations, fire stations, north campus, west campus, preparing for the next things that are coming down the pike (High Holidays being less than a month away doesn't not phase me). 

Double negative!

Perhaps this is why I really appreciate that #BlogElul starts with "Prepare"--it means that there has to be a sense of intention for what comes next. After a day of engagement intensive training with 5/7 of our awesome brand new interns following the heels of a lakeside havdalah and campfire, I'm spending a lot of time these days thinking about the why of what I do. It's not just that I love Simon Sinek's golden circle, it's the idea that if you're not sure of why you do what you do--if you can't get down to the essence of it, it's often not worth doing (and most likely you won't do it well). 

And so I find myself in an interesting perpetual state of preparation: thinking of the "whys" behind the work, the emotions behind the energy, the passion behind the performance. As we enter Elul, I'm constantly learning more about what drives me (and what doesn't) and aiming to work backwards, think strategically, and prepare myself for whatever comes back. With the new year coming later this year, I'm lucky enough to give myself more time for prep, scheduling "me" time, resting, and coming back stronger than ever.